He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
