Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
