True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
