friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
