he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
