Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize