Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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