I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
