I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize