I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
