u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
