sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
