I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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