You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
