i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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