Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
