I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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