I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
