My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
