She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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