I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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