Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
