If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
