Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Congratulations! We have a period
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