i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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