Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
