She told me I should be a condom model.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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