the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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