you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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