Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I looked at my own cervix.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
