My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
