Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
