Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
