that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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