So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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