So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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