Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
