Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
