Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
