I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
