Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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