the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
