It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
