I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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