I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
