he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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