i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
