Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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