good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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