drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
