Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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