My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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