An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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