Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
