Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
