I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
