I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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