Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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