she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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