Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
