what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
