I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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