You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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