im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
