let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
