my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We need a shit load of segways right now
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
